Life…

Life lately has really been up in the air. Mookie is addicted to cocaine and popping pills, he even started cutting himself again. I don’t know what to do to try to save him.Work is stressful beyond belief because everyday I find out that some other coworker also does cocaine. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. This isn’t a good environment for Mookie and he is festering in bad habits here.

I’ve been wanting to hang out with our DnD group, attempt to feel closer to them. You know, bond and what not, but Tamboo had to start an argument about it. I’m convinced that she likes to argue for the sake of arguing. I just wanted us to commit to hanging out and doing something exciting. We are young adults and we act like old people. This is not to say that being mature is bad. I just need a getaway to spice things up. Yeah, we are going to PAX, but what about the rest of the year? Blackhawk sounded like a great idea. Gamble, laugh, drink, eat then leave. We don’t play DnD together anymore and are drifting apart. Maybe that’s for the best. Damage has been done and I don’t even want to care anymore. The tension is overwhelming and I’m going to move on.

My mum has been complaining and saying that she doesn’t feel like I love her or that I love Aggro and his family more than her. She says I never want to hang out with her and that’s not true. I always try to make time with them and do things but all they ever like to do is sit inside and watch tv. We did that all of my childhood.

Aggro and I have called off the wedding (not the marriage). Well I more called it off because the whole Dozen’s thing has really thrown me for a loop. I’m exhausted emotionally and I don’t have any support.

I decided to drink the other day in attempts to relax from the things that are stressing me and that didn’t work, instead I cried…a lot. I think that it was something that I needed to do (the crying part, not the drinking part). My dad isn’t in the best of shape and he hasn’t been working out. The doctor told him that he had 4 years to live and I’m worried for him.

Attempting to be on a more positive note, I decided that I’m going to study the dewey decimal system so then one day I can work at the library.We can go next Thursday and apply. I hope that I can do well. I need to make some changes and do better than this if I want to reach my goals. I want to reach all my goals and be successful by 30 and this route that I’m currently on is not the way I need to go to be able to get there. I need to stay in school and pay for my classes out of pocket and pay for my loans as I go so I improve my credit score. I just need to focus and keep that focus. I believe that I can do it. Journaling has really been able to keep me feeling “normal”.

I have a lot of projects that I want to complete by the end of this year. I just need to plan better and not overwhelm myself.

I think I need to pick up some yoga. I need to woooosaaaaa some of this stress away.

 

–M.S.

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Tired

Work was slow, but Mookie found a way to drag it out. He was high on pills and it was impossible for him to focus on one task. When I tried to give him some direction — so we can work together — he had some kind of ego trip. He has been a DMO for 2 years…that doesn’t mean he is good with working with a team. I take my job seriously, even if it’s as a DMO. We come here to work…to succeed at completing our tasks. We are essential to the restaurants function even if people treat us like losers. Afterwards we went to a nearby bar with Beth. *sighs* I don’t even know how I feel about her. She’s a Caucasian girl that says Nigga because she thinks it will make her fit in. Obviously it doesn’t and I need to talk to her about it. I’m passionate about things in my life but I feel stuck. Either way I made it to my day off and all I want to do is smoke and relax.

Today I’m just feeling broken. The place I wanted to get married completely denied me.

John: Dozens.

Me: Hello. John? This is (Mew Squared)–.

J: Who?

Me: (Mew Squared). I was telling your wife Kim that my Fiance and I want to get marrie–

J: Ah no. I don’t do that stuff. I’m not going to cater or rent out space.

Me: We’ve been customers for years–

J: No. Do you need anything else?

Me: •In Complete Disbelief• No…

*Click*

My heart broke a little that moment. I feel so unimportant and betrayed. We’ve been loyal costumers and he couldn’t bother to hear me out. Aggro hasn’t given me much support throughout this whole wedding process. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be married. He isn’t involved at all. Even this moment the video game upsetting him more than this wedding news. I give.

When the Geek Begun Again

I’m debating how I want to start this entry. I don’t want to start off my new beginning with negativity. Instead I will say this, I want to be a better mother, a better spouse, a better person overall. I want to do more exciting things. I want to be around nature and read more. I want to be productive with this blog, my writing portfolio, and my journaling. Without being in literature class I lost motivation to read as much as I was. I miss school and I hate that I couldn’t make it recently. Next semester I’m going to be all in. I did start a new job that I’m growing to despise. It’s a lot of work for very little reward. No one really helps on freewill…no teamwork. When you’re angry or visibly frustrated that’s when people decide to help. Usually in sttessful situations I find myself drinking a lot. Even more so when Mookie is around. Mookie and I have been “friends” for 14 years. We grew up in the same neighborhood and our history is what made me work here. He came to me and asked if I needed a job. That it would be easy and there would be no drama. There has been so much drama that my head can’t even wrap around it. People are doing drugs and sleeping with whoever. They go to the bar after work to snort cocaine in the bathrooms and get drunk then drive home. I’m being as judgement free as possible,  but I don’t think that these are the types of people I should be around. Until then I’m going to smoke and chill. Just work and go home if I can. 

We will see how my life will proceed. I guess this is where I restart.

Wish me luck from here. 

D.W.

Good News!

I have finally made a new blog for my stories and novellas. I’m excited, I just need to find a way to connect it to this blog so everything is all in one place. I’ve also been thinking about making a artist retreat here in Colorado. Where we can go camping, write, draw, and vibe out with one another. I want to get at least ten of us together so then that way it’s a few of us to bounce ideas off one another or to help each other with techniques. I think this would be fun and I’d love to be around people who love art.

We will see where things lead me!

-M.S.

I’m trying to be Positive

I’m stressed out financially and it’s almost all that I think about. We were able to pay rent and the bills we needed to pay but other than that we have nothing. We have a trip planned for Seattle and Aggro and I still need to pay his friend the portion of our hotel stay. I’m mainly stressed about this. I feel like we are barely staying afloat. *Sighs* It’s a lot. Do we eat or do we save money. Yesterday I spent the day applying to multiple jobs. I’m caving in. 

On a positive note, I’ve made a schedule for myself. I’ve been lacking structure since I’ve been out of school and I wanted to get back on track with my learning and growing. I’m also signing up to get some of my writing critiqued. I’m scared but to succeed I need to fail faster. Tomorrow I want to clean my bedroom/office area and have a writing retreat. This is basically me just locking myself in the room and writing. Pulling myself away from the distractions of life and writing. I came up with more material while I was in Yellowstone and I need to expand on that. I have faith in myself.

I’m excited for Tuesday. My daughter comes home and I have orientation at the Library for me to start volunteering. I really can’t wait. The goal would be to get a job there versus anywhere else but I’m not sure how soon I’ll be able to make that happen.

If I can’t get a job at the library right now then I hope I find something where I can work there for awhile. A place with NO DRAMA, no one with crazy drug addictions…and if they have an addiction then I hope it isn’t abused in the workplace. A place where I can help people and not be supervised by a money hungry trannyt. Entry level jobs are rough.

Oh! I made an appointment to having a hearing consultation and have a hearing test. The only hearing doctor that would take my insurance is 12 miles from my house and I have no money for gas so that means I’m jumping on the bus and getting there. Thank God for books! I know they are going to tell me that my left ear is awful and they usually ask someone else to come to ask the honesy questions. For example: Have you noticed MewSquared having a hard time hearing children? Is she clumsy? Does she sit with the tv loud…etc. Things like that. Naiche won’t be able to make it because he has to work. He is playing catch up. So chances are I’ll call him and ask him the questions. I.already know that I can’t have surgery on my ear because it wouldn’t help. I have permanent damage. I want to see if having a hearing aid would help. I’m going to learn American Sign Language either way.

I made an appointment to the dentist and that alone is terrifying. I need to have fillings and I’m not looking forward to having a needle in my gums.

I also made an appointment to the OBGYN and have my cervix checked out. I’ve been having issues and I’m worried if I procrastinate longer then I may develop cervical cancer.

Hrm, yeah yesterday was just filled with me trying to adult. Trying to stay positive and to keep stepping forqard in life.

I’m grieving less. I don’t randomly burst into tears, but my uncle is always in my thoughts. I know that he is rooting for me in Heaven. 

Just wish me luck and I’ll let you guys know how things are going. 

Kisses,

-M.S.

I’ve been a Stranger

Gosh, it’s been two months since I’ve posted anything and I’ve been missing you. A lot has happened and I don’t quite know where to start. I think the last time I was here I was struggling with friendships. I’m not anymore. I took a month to myself and just stopped talking to people. Honestly it was the best decision I’ve made in a long time. I was really hurt by the people who called themselves my friend and I needed to take a step back and get my feelings in check. Friendship was something I was constantly complaining and crying about that it reached a point that it got on my nerves lol. I’m pretty sure it was getting on my fiance’s nerves as well. I didn’t feel like they cared about me and that hurt. But if people show you that they don’t care then believe them. I stopped asking people to hang out with me and stopped contacting them first and they didn’t bother contacting me. The first two weeks I was really sad about it, but after awhile I got numb to the pain and kind of just moved on. If someone is my friend I shouldn’t have to beg for them to be part of my life. Either you’re going to be there or not. I get that people have things going on in their lives but I felt irrelevant to them. So they became irrelevant to me.

All in all, I did find new friendships inside of old friendships from middle school and high school. A beautiful friend of mine asked me if my fiance and I wanted to go camping in Yellowstone. I was totally down since this summer’s theme was for me to try something new. I’ve never been camping before and I wanted to check it off my bucket list. We didn’t talk very much during the planning but when we all got in our cars and hit the road things changed. There were 12 people, 4 cars, and a lot of road ahead of us. I was worried that there was going to be drama and there was a bit. Some people bumped heads, but nothing serious. I laughed so much and smiled a ton. I was even able to get some time alone with my man. It was nice to see him in his element and my trust for him really grew. Sitting around the campfire and laughing with these people felt so natural and I really think I finally found my place. I’m forever grateful for that experience. Even though we aren’t camping anymore, they still invite me over and like spending time with me. I love that. If I tried that with the group of “friends” before things always fell through. It’s just nice to know that there are people who actually enjoy my company and want me around. They are even planning and bachelorette for me and helping me with ideas for my wedding. This was something my other “friends” didn’t even consider doing. I don’t even think that they were excited when we announced that we were getting married. They even told me about a new publishing company and suggest that I submit my writing. I’ve never felt so cared for and important from a group of people.  I’m happy with the friendships that I made and the ones that I’ve rekindled and I hope that we stay close because it feels so nice. This is something that I’ve been praying for. Friendships where I can let my hair down and just be myself. Mary and I did start talking again, but it’s not the same and I can’t say that she is my best friend. We don’t hang out and we don’t talk about hanging out. The last time I seen her was at my Fiance’s get together that they decided to throw for him for his birthday. *Rolls eyes* They can plan something for him, but try to not come to my birthday lol. It’s okay though because it’s good that he has friends.

Oh! Next month I finally get married and we want to have a goth themed wedding. My friends have DIY projects that we all want to do together so I can look amazing and have a little something. We originally didn’t plan anything and that was not okay for my friends. It just makes me happy that they care.

My kiddo has been with her biological father for a month and I miss her everyday. She gets home Aug. 4th and I can’t wait to hear about her trip and all the fun that she has been having. I know she really wanted to see her brothers and her dad. I’m counting the minutes until her return. Her father and I aren’t getting along. He decided to delete me off everything and I was over trying to be his friend. We are much too different and I’m fine with us only talking when it involves our daughter. It’s simple.

I’m glad that my sweet girl got to go on her trip because I’ve been grieving and the last thing that I want her to see is me crying. Every day I’ve been on the brink of tears. It’s starting to get better, but having someone that you were close to die is a jolting experience. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell her….

*sighs* This semester off of school has been killing me and I’ve been so bored. I haven’t been very productive, clearly, since my blog is lacking two months of entries. I don’t even journal as much because there hasn’t been too much going on. I registered for fall classes and I’m really excited. I want to take another literature course, but I already have 4 classes and I don’t want to overwhelm myself.

I worked in a restaurant as a dishwasher and it sucked balls. I hated. Way too much drama and I dislike when people think they are better than other people. Like, do you realize we all work at the same shitty place lol. Also everyone snorted cocaine and that’s totally not my scene so I felt even more out of place. The only reason why I got a job there was because a “friend” said the place needed the help and I wasn’t against making a little money. Nope, bad decision on my part. It was so bad that I almost walked out. I should have. That night was the worse. My “friend” jumped on the cocaine bandwagon to impress some guy. It got to the point that we would be clocked in, then he would leave to go to the ATM, meet his dealer, snort, then come back to work. I was over it. Plus he took forever to get anything done. It exhausting and I got tired of complaining about it so I stopped going in. I miss having money but not enough for me to be that unhappy. I much rather be poor.

But on a good note it opened up time for me to pursue my ultimate goal, to work in a library! It took a bit of searching, but I found a position to start volunteering. So I at least have my foot in the door and I’m so happy. I’m going to have to work hard for them to consider me for a paying position but I know I can do it if I keep my eye on the prize. I want to be a librarian so badly. I NEED that to happen in my life.

That’s all for now. It’s 5:30 am and I should get some sleep. I plan to go to one of my favorite spots and do some writing. Keep me in your thoughts and wish me luck!

– M.S.

The Geek and her mini her <3

If you’ve been around since I’ve started blogging again then some of you may know that I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Her name is Danny and she is my best friend. I would do anything for this little girl and my life is so much better now that she is in it.

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We wanted to spend time together at the park ❤

I am not super close with my family. I see my mom on the weekends where we sit at her house and I do laundry or Danielle wants to play with her. My dad comes to visit from time to time, but I haven’t been to his house in about 4 years. I’m the eldest of 7 siblings, but I only have one brother. We aren’t particularly close, but I know that we would never want anything bad to happen to one another. As for my sisters, two live in california where they are going to college, I haven’t seen them in person in 4 years. I have another sister in South Carolina and she visits once a year. Then my twin sisters still live with my dad, but they will be out of high school soon enough. I also haven’t seen them in 4 years.

So you can understand why Aggro and Danny are such a big part of my life. I’m a family person and so I have my own little family that I want to do everything with. I with to witness every milestone and cheer them on in everything that they do. Danny just graduated preschool and is now officially a kindergartener. My husband to be is still working for a gaming company as well as working for himself. He is getting a crew together to start working on his own games as an art director. But yeah this is my family post. Considering I haven’t seen my siblings in a long time, family pictures aren’t really that big of a thing.

–M.S.

The Geek that Disappeared

I’m shocked that it has been almost a month since I’ve written anything, but I have a good reason for my absence. I have been out living life and making changes within myself. I think that it’s working and I’m really proud of myself.

I think since the last time I wrote I finished finals and I passed all my classes. Since then I’ve been trying to live the summer dream. I bought a tent, a sleeping bag, and scheduled some hiking time so I’m all about being outdoors this summer. Just this week I’ve been to the Platte river 4 times and yesterday I got in for a bit. My daughter, fiance, and his best friend (Fasa) dived right in and it was such a good day. I was suppose to go to a writing workshop, but Fasa needed a river getaway because he was having a bad day. He’d gotten into a nasty argument with his mom and he has been worrying about his long distance relationship.

I’m hoping that I can go to the next writing workshop. I also joined a group that critique work that you submit so I was thinking about doing that as well. I’ve been keeping up with writing, but I still need to create the discipline to be able to write everyday. I need to work on my stories and I think I will.

Another thing that I started this summer is a job and I get my schedule tomorrow! I’ll be working in a restaurant in the back as a dishwasher. It doesn’t sound like the best job, but I picked it because I didn’t want to deal with customers directly. I have the opportunity to be able to if I wanted to. I’ll be making extra money so I can save for my honeymoon and whatnot. I’ll be working nights so I’ll have all day to be able to do the things that I want to  be able to do.

As far as friendships, I have some but I’m not going to force them. If people want to be around then they will and if not then they won’t be. It’s fair to say that my obsession with friendships have come to an end. Mary and I are still friends, but we don’t talk or hang out at all like we use to. She has moved in with her fiance and his family and kinda just spends time with them. I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she invited her spouse, I wanted to just spend time with her, but I guess it can be a double date. I feel like after I go to PAX what friendships I have with people who I play Dungeon and Dragon’s with will start to fall away. It’s kind of sad, but I think we are all going down separate paths and I don’t feel particularly close to any of them anymore. It breaks my heart. For 3 years I’ve been trying to be closer to some of them. I’ve spent a year wanting to be close to Mary.

If they want to be there then they will, if not then they won’t be. I’m not going to force it and I’m not going to keep asking them to hang out and it fall through all the time.All that I can do is live my life to the fullest and have a great summer with my family. I want my kid to experience a part of nature that I’ve never been able to. We are going on a few road trips and at the end of the summer we wanted to wrap things up with a big 13 hour trip around Colorado where we get to see all of the waterfalls. I’m excited.

I’ll be better with my updates.

–M.S.

The Girl with the Hair

For once in a really long time I feel like I’m confident enough to reach my goals. I have a lot of distractions in my way, but I think I can overcome the barriers. I managed to pass all my classes this semester and it really wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I just need to make sure I stop making excuses and make myself accountable for my choices. I can’t wait to transfer to a university so I can join a sorority. I want to meet more ambitious women who are really striving for their goals.

Even on a college campus, that can be hard to find.

Speaking of college campus, I love seeing all the different people and how they present themselves. I love seeing all the fashion, it’s like a show! I start to get ideas from so many different people then morph it into something that I can call my own. Oddly on here I haven’t posted much of myself picture wise so I’m creating an entry just for that. Since I’ve started blogging I’ve had a lot of different looks. I wasn’t always confident when it came to my appearance.After having a kid and leaving a pretty emotionally abusive relationship my self esteem was low. Counting every stretch mark, insecure about my facial hair, and I gained weight. I even had “friends” that teased me and reminded me of my flaws daily. It was really draining. When this year came around I told myself that I wanted to be different and be myself at all costs.

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I was tired with everyone forcing their views on me and telling me how I should live my life. What I should wear or how I should style my hair. I didn’t go around forcing people into being how I would rather perceive them. I got upset because I felt disrespected because no one considered me or my feelings. So I said “Fuck it“.

People are going to judge you no matter what you do so you might as well wear what you want. Style your hair however you want. Eat what makes you feel good and love yourself.

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The Many Styles of MewSquared ❤

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This was the first hairstyle that I wanted to try out. I shaved my sides and asked my mom to braid my hair into purple and black individual braids. She HATED it, but I love it. I have a comic book character that has this hairstyle. I’m not going to go into it much, but I miss this style the most.

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I still have my shaved sides in this picture I just have white braids instead. I really loved this look and I got the most compliments with this style. I even had a guy at a random bus stop high five me while I walked by. I fell in love with this white hair.

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This was the next style after my braids. I cut out the braids and shaved my head. When I shaved my sides I also permed my hair and it felt so damaged, dry, and brittle. I was going crazy. I like my hair at this length, my hair is a little longer now. I got a lot of looks and very few compliments in person, but everyone on my facebook liked it and I was so happy to feel that support. This is also one of my favorite pictures ❤ I love me some Darth.

I feel like it’s only fair to show what my hair looked like with shaved sides but without the braids. I didn’t mind the look, but I may have liked it better if someone else had styled and cut it. I usually butcher my hair on my own, but I still liked it.

Now that I have less hair you may have thought that I’ve ran out of styles. I haven’t. Instead I just bought more wigs!

Since I developed a thing for white hair I bought 3 different white wigs. I love it because I’ve always been interested in cosplaying. This was me combining that and doing my own thing. I follow a group on facebook where they post women of color with cosplays are really cute styles. Some where of the women who post wear wigs, some wear their own hair, really colorful make up, and loud hair accessories. I want to be that bold, but I want to start out simple. Also, I really like natural color make up on me.

Just more of my white wig styles that I pulled this semester.

This is my last most recent look that I made for my birthday! I didn’t really like the wig, it was kind of flat and the bangs were soooooooo long. I’m not good at cutting and shaping hair so I wanted to do something to make it cute, but with less effort. So I hot glued flowers in my hair. It sounds crazy, but I seen so many pictures with flowers in women hair and I wanted to mimic that. The flowers weren’t enough drama for me I guess because I decided to take apart a broken body chain and glue that in as well. I didn’t want to cut the bangs because I was rushing to catch the bus and train so I just put it to the side with bobby pins. Then I used hair spray and really fluffed up those curls. Also I lost weight so I wanted to show off my figure for my birthday.

I was 185 lbs and now I’m 162 lbs and I’m really liking how I’m looking. I originally said I wanted to get to 140, but I’m starting to think that that size is a bit too small. I love having curves and when I lose weight everything gets a lot smaller. I don’t want small boobs or a small butt. I looked cute when I was small too, but I think I look amazing with a thicker proportion.  The picture below is me at 125 lbs – 130 lbs.

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With that being said I think I’ll just get down to the 150’s and probably stay around there.

 

Well until next time lovelies,

– -M.S.