Life lately has really been up in the air. Mookie is addicted to cocaine and popping pills, he even started cutting himself again. I don’t know what to do to try to save him.Work is stressful beyond belief because everyday I find out that some other coworker also does cocaine. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. This isn’t a good environment for Mookie and he is festering in bad habits here.
I’ve been wanting to hang out with our DnD group, attempt to feel closer to them. You know, bond and what not, but Tamboo had to start an argument about it. I’m convinced that she likes to argue for the sake of arguing. I just wanted us to commit to hanging out and doing something exciting. We are young adults and we act like old people. This is not to say that being mature is bad. I just need a getaway to spice things up. Yeah, we are going to PAX, but what about the rest of the year? Blackhawk sounded like a great idea. Gamble, laugh, drink, eat then leave. We don’t play DnD together anymore and are drifting apart. Maybe that’s for the best. Damage has been done and I don’t even want to care anymore. The tension is overwhelming and I’m going to move on.
My mum has been complaining and saying that she doesn’t feel like I love her or that I love Aggro and his family more than her. She says I never want to hang out with her and that’s not true. I always try to make time with them and do things but all they ever like to do is sit inside and watch tv. We did that all of my childhood.
Aggro and I have called off the wedding (not the marriage). Well I more called it off because the whole Dozen’s thing has really thrown me for a loop. I’m exhausted emotionally and I don’t have any support.
I decided to drink the other day in attempts to relax from the things that are stressing me and that didn’t work, instead I cried…a lot. I think that it was something that I needed to do (the crying part, not the drinking part). My dad isn’t in the best of shape and he hasn’t been working out. The doctor told him that he had 4 years to live and I’m worried for him.
Attempting to be on a more positive note, I decided that I’m going to study the dewey decimal system so then one day I can work at the library.We can go next Thursday and apply. I hope that I can do well. I need to make some changes and do better than this if I want to reach my goals. I want to reach all my goals and be successful by 30 and this route that I’m currently on is not the way I need to go to be able to get there. I need to stay in school and pay for my classes out of pocket and pay for my loans as I go so I improve my credit score. I just need to focus and keep that focus. I believe that I can do it. Journaling has really been able to keep me feeling “normal”.
I have a lot of projects that I want to complete by the end of this year. I just need to plan better and not overwhelm myself.
I think I need to pick up some yoga. I need to woooosaaaaa some of this stress away.